Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A reading from the Book of Shoes.

I'm a foot and shoe nazi. I work in a shoe store part time and see an alarming amount of foot and shoe abuse. My mates at the store and I are often left spluttering at the condition of some of the hooves and footwear we see.
Seriously - here's a few things that really need to be noted:

1) I realise that they are your favourite pair of all time, but for the love of God - they are done! They are dead, they are falling off your feet! It looks like you've hitched from Alice Springs, then hiked through a bog in them. FOUL! Put them in the bin and get a new pair. NOW!

2) If you cant walk in them - dont. If you fall over in the store, chances are you wont make it down the steps and into the cab come Saturday night. Women sashaying round in heels is sexy, heels sashaying round wearing a woman is not. And other women will be mentally placing bets about how many more tottering trips to the bar you can make before face-planting. Wear some cute flats instead.

3) Unless you are going for a Guiness World Record, tame those talons STAT! And nail polish costs like, a couple of bucks, so buy some!! No Excuses! This is not "Survivor: Barnucle Island".

4) Platform thongs: NOT EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO WALK ACROSS BURNING COALS. Nothing, nothing screams 'Bogan' more than a pair of bloody Juicy Couture platform pluggers. On that note - be VERY carefull with your choice of pluggers: no jewels, no slogans, no patriotic flags, no floral adornments.

5) Ladies of a certain age need to be considerate of their choice of footwear. I know those buckled/strapped/studded platforms look hot on the 20 year old who just bought a pair, but the saying "mutton dressed as lamb" is the only thing you will fit if you insist on wearing them. Seriously - over 30 and you need to reconsider your look. Got crows feet? Well get something more sophisticated on your feet. Wear the highest heels by all means - but those thigh high boots say one thing and one thing only: SLAPPER.

6) Please, please, please DO NOT WEAR SHOES AFTER YOUR HEEL TIPS HAVE WORN DOWN. Get them replaced!! Its freaking easy - any shoe man will do it for next to nothing! It will save the shoes from ruination and nothing, NOTHING is worse than seeing a broad slip and slide round the pavement trying to stay upright on the steel spike of her heels.

There, I've said my piece. I have stylist extraordinaire Camille Bidault-Waddington to thank for the inspiration for this post. She recently described herself as a 'fashion-fascist' before reeling off a list as long as your arm of what not to wear, ever, in Dazed and Confused mag. I think it was D & C anyway. Also- this post is dedicated to all my friends at work. Death to unkempt feet and inapproprate shoes!

1 comment:

Melissa {Suger} said...

Am sooooo guilty of the worn out heel thing. I just never seem to get to the cobbler (is that the name of those shoe fixing people..?). Sorry Doll. I'll try harder.

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