Texts From Hillary

Teeheehee. Too funny not to share :)

Sue Sylvester talks style and polyester

I'm not epically into Glee, (Lea Michele's character makes me want to staple things to my own head), but I love, love, love Sue Sylvester and her fascist take on cheerleading. I used to be a cheerleader and trust me; it's not that far off the mark.... anyway, I needed a laugh yesterday, and got a hit from Sylvester's interview in UK Elle (the March issue). Here are some of her responses for your reading pleasure.

I LOOK MY BEST...whenever I am looked upon. Morning, noon, and night. Seriously, I am radiant.

MY FASHION MANTRA...is synthetic, synthetic, synthetic. I try not to let natural fibres touch me. I fancy I'm allergic, though there's no way of knowing without seeing a dermatologist, and there's no way that'll happen. Dermatologists are always trying to get me to show my breasts.

MY STYLE ADVICE TO WILL SCHUESTER...is when you wake up in the morning, take a minute to think about what kind of image you want to present to the world, then punch yourself in the face.

I INSPIRE A LOT OF YOUNG WOMEN...because I teach them humility, grace and poise. It resonates with some girls, who I then banish from my presence. I then corral the other ones, and teach them fear, intimidation, and deep, deep arrogance.

I'M KNOWN FOR MY ANDROGYNOUS DRESS SENSE...but I stay feminine by rubbing exotic orchid petals all over my body every 15 minutes. And when I say all over, I mean all over.

APPROACH A TRACKSUIT LIKE A WILD ANIMAL...walk gingerly towards it, speaking softly. Then, at the last moment pounce and wrestle it to the ground and strangle it into submission. It can easily take three hours. I'm often late for work.

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS...but I'm terrified of ginger children. Seriously. I don't like how you can see the veins in their temples. Also they have the slightest copper smell, which is deeply unsettling.

MY GREATEST STYLE INSPIRATION...is oil spills. You know why? Polyester is petroleum by-product. So that spill in the Gulf of Mexico was really just coating hundreds of miles of coastline in fashion.

Reasons Why I Want to Marry Amy Sedaris

Awkward Family Photos.

I struggle to describe who much Awkward Family Photos reassures me...

Engrish.

For those days when you just feel crap.

Fixed It.

Well,well,well. You certainly get a new perspective on life when you are locked outside for 2 hours at night in the unseasonal cold whilst your sibling goes off to dinner with her mates. Boooooo!

Any child of the late 80's,early 90's, worth their weight should recall the TV series MacGyver. Well I would have done him proud tonight, attempting to break locks with the (not so pointy) end of a paint brush. I sprayed the windows themselves with outbursts of fruity language and squeals, but to no effect.
During the week I happened upon the following website: http://thereifixedit.com/

This website is hoot. As the name suggests, it features pictures of "fixed" devices. Brilliant! If anything appeals to the human 'idiot' gene, it would have to be 'fixing' or otherwise altering devices that have ceased doing what they where originally intended to do.

Dangerous, illegal and time-consuming; the last living brain cells of these superb individuals.