Saturday, April 10, 2010

A small list...

This was inspired by Lesley Arfin. I love reading her jibber jabber. More often than not, she's a scream and simultaneously painfully honest. She wrote her list of Top Ten Least Favourite Things and I love all of them. So much that I want to do it too. So here goes. In no particular order:

1. And this is only because I agree with Lesley SO much on this one: OUTDOOR MUSIC FESTIVALS. No. Piss off, I dont want to go, like ever. Why would I want to hike around, get stomped on, have mean little mutants thump me because their boyfriend/hook up/douchebag is trying to get on me, get burnt, get super sweaty, be miles from the nearest toilets which are 3rd world standard when you do get there, and not even be able to get any closer than 500 mtrs from whoever it was you went to see to begin with. Plus have all the retards around me screaming "WAAAAAA WHERE ARE YOU THIS IS SO F........ MAD!!!" into their phones or crying cause they're all strung out and their boyfriend just asked for my number. Drugs are THE least glamorous look I can think of and I suspect you honestly would have to be high as a kite just to get through the bloody thing. No. I'm not going ever. And if the band I like is only playing festivals, then I dont like the band anymore. End of story.

2. FAKE TAN. Will you please cease and desist with the orange? Are you wanting to look like a porn thing? Is that it? Why in the name of heaven would you want to look like an Oompa Loompa porn thing? The stuff stinks because its super toxic - you may as well go and roll in some sewrage, because you're going to look and smell like you have anyway. What's wrong with being a normal coloured person please? It's SO much prettier. And all the lines on your body and the stained hands and heels - you really think that looks hot do you?

3. CHICKS WHO NEED DUDES. Grow up! And stop asking me who my boyfriend is. Do I look like I need one? Didnt think so.Would I like a boyfriend? Not if he's anything like the tool you're clinging to. Do I like your boyfriend/husband/poor dude you're currently stalking? Do you really want me to asnwer that question? I'd advise a psychologist and a big cup of "Get Real".


5. HAIR EXTENSIONS. Please. That. Hair. Is. Not. Yours. Everyone. Can. Tell. It. Looks. Bizarre. Why don't you just grow your hair. You cut it all off, so just wait for it to grow again. If you cant deal with not having long hair then you must have arrived minus an imagination. The last laugh goes to the women who provide the hair from their own heads to donate to the cause of Western Vulgarity. Sorry, I just find it obscene.

6. BUCKS/HENS NIGHTS/WEEKENDS. They are never in Vogue and there's a reason for that. They are never spoken about as some fabulous soiree or as some ultra sophisticated and elegant celebration. I cant help thinking that if you need to go get trollied with all your bogan mates and an army of 'strippers' (yeah right, cause thats all they do) then the only place you belong is at Schoolies on the Gold Coast.

7. PRETEND STYLISTS. You all know the ones: they go charging round stores demanding look-books, saying things at the top of their lungs like "oooooo it's sooooooo last season Chanel!", and making condescending comments to their clients/anyone else within ear shot. You always know when they're dying to ask you where you got something because not knowing where something came from makes the 'stylist' crankier than a 2 week juice fast, and she will proceed to give you the stinkiest of stink eyes. ALWAYS accompanied by iphone which she angrily shouts into and whacks with her fingers (nails are black or orange: this is de rigeur). The 'stylist' believes that Rachel Zoe and the Olsen twins are the only people you need to know and anything else makes her very angry, mostly because her knowledge and skill is called into question. To be avoided at all costs, this nazi will rain on your parade and simultaneously bore you to death. They tend not to have ever heard of the Grace Coddington's of the world or of any artists and can be spotted drinking from takeaway coffees bigger than their heads.

8. VINTAGE KNOW-IT-ALLS. Does it really matter where it actually came from or what I paid for it? I love it so what's it to you?

9. NASTY REALITY TV AND BRAIN DEAD SOAP OPERAS. Brain, soul and life rotting. Just look at the way people behave in real life - they think they're on Home and Away or similar. It's tragic. The exception are cooking shows which are semi-informative and often hugely amusing.

10. CHILDBIRTH PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK. I get it. You gave birth to a human. Congratulations, and I really mean that, the whole thing is fantasticly exciting and I'm stoked that you're thrilled to be a Mama. Thing is, photos of the actual baby will suffice. Seeing your naked butt/extreme closeups of all the, ummm, stuff, is really overkill. Keep it for the family album if you must, but saints alive - have a bit of grace and dont force it upon your friends. What am I supposed to 'comment'? "Looking good"?? Write a blog about it, write whatever you want about it - that would be fantastic and empowering for all women. But 'arty' photos of blood start looking like you're reporting from the frontline. Even if they are black and white. What's next? Still life with placenta? It diminishes the mystery of birth - trust me on that one.

So there you have it. My list. I think that's one of the great things about blogging: you can vent without being terribly nasty to one person/group in particular and without actually hurting people's feelings which is a singularly dreadful thing to do. Also - people can always depart for Rachel Zoe's website and then take their computer to the repairers when they come too after lapsing into a coma and cracking their keyboard...

1 comment:

Melissa {Suger} said...

Love this. Laughed my ass off. I might have to do one of these lists.
M xoxo

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